When it is time to embrace the role

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. (ar-Rum:21)
Islam as a holistic way of life has encouraged marriage and prohibited adultery. This is suitable for each of our biological needs. As we grow we search for a company other than our family. Ironically with this partner we want to share more and deeper than what we have shared with our family. That is perfectly normal. It is one of Allah signs.
Marriage is a field in which you must get involved in it at every level of your physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual being. Before we look for certain qualities in our spouse, we might as well prepare ourselves to be one.
Allah said that a mate is who we can dwell in tranquilly. Thus we must be able to be a source of peace to our spouse. What is it that will put our spouse at peace? It could be words of consolation. This was exemplified by Khadijah when Rasulullah s.a.w first received revelation through Jibril a.s. Khadijah assured him that he was a good man and only good things should happen to him; or how Ummu Salamah told Rasulullah to start the tahallul first when no Muslim would budge after the first Hudaibiyah covenant when they could not enter Mecca to perform Hajj. Rasulullah took her advice and the Muslims did follow him to do tahallul. It showed that as a wife we have a role to give advice and help our husbands in need. While as a husband, there is no harm in taking our wives advice time to time. Rasulullah gave Aishah consolation when she was crying in two situations. One, when she first had he menstrual cycle, Rasulullah said it was perfectly fine for a woman to have her haidh and it is a sign of a healthy woman. Second, when she cried after looking at grey hairs on Rasulullah head and remembered about the deceit of Dajjal and Rasulullah said if I were there, I will surely guide you but if I am not, remember that God (Allah) is not handicap.
It could be in the passion of our spouse in doing something he/she likes. Rasulullah often frequented Jabal Nur where Hira’ Cave situated. He would be there for days, sometimes up to a week. Khadijah, instead of asking him why he would do such thing, prepared his meal for three days and if Rasulullah did not come down, she will go up the hill with fresh food. Hafsah enjoyed doing her dzikr every morning and Rasulullah entered her room twice and she had not done with it. Instead of just banning her or asking her to stop at an instance, Rasulullah offered her a better substitute. He taught her subhanallahi wa bi hamdihi, ‘adada qalkhihi, wa ridha nafsihi, wa ziinata ‘arsyihi, wa midada kalimatih. This, Rasulullah told Hafsah will give you the same merits like what you have been chanting. In doing so, Hafsah did not feel like she had lost something and from a different perspective, Rasulullah actually gave time for his wife to do ibadah sunnah and help her to do it more efficiently. Aishah liked Habsyi’s performance. There had been two occasions where Rasulullah himself engaged her in that. Rasulullah invited a group to perform in front of Aishah house while she hid behind him to watch and in another occasion Rasulullah sent for Aishah while he waited at Mecca entrance where the Habsyi’s group was performing. When Aishah arrived, Rasulullah used his turban as a curtain to cover her and let her watched until she had enough of it and went home.
Being a source of peace could also means not letting your spouse to worry about you and other households while he is away. This is particularly to the wives. Khadijah took care of the children when Rasulullah was away to Hira’ Cave. Fatimah did all the house chores without a maid when Ali was not at home. She did not complain. Hajar, the wife of Prophet Ibrahim a.s. did not argue when the prophet left her with her little baby in the burning hot desert just because Allah asked him to. Can we be this content and satisfied?
On the other hand, Rasulullah and Saidina Ali helped their wives right away when they got home. They did not demand for more quiet time to rest. They really appreciated their wives vice-versa.
Allah confirmed that He will create love and compassion between a husband and his wife. These feelings are only real and happening between a husband and his wife. You did not get it even from a so called hot and passionate love relationship (out of marriage). The love that Rasulullah had for Khadijah was ever-lasting. No wives of his were able to compete Khadijah, not even Aishah. But then each of his wives got his full love. Being compassion, when one of his wives asked Rasulullah who he loved most, Rasulullah answered she who I put the ring on her finger by myself and that was each of them. Thus when the word spreaded, everyone felt that she was the most loved wife. Saidina Ali once overheard Fatimah complaining to Rasulullah how she disliked the way he talked to her as if she was one of his soldiers. Upon hearing this, Saidina Ali said sorry and henceforth talked to her in a mellower tone.
Love and compassion extend even when it comes to polygamous marriage. Rasulullah did not seek permission from any of his wives to take another wife because that was not necessary. But look at how he was being courteous, Rasulullah always told them and never did it in secrecy. By telling other wives, he showed that they are equally important to him and the impact it had on the new wife was that she would be accepted as a new family member, not just another opponents to compete with. When Rasulullah was married to Zainab al-Jahsyi, Aishah sent some bread, dates and cheese for the wedding. When some Muslim men were talking in Zainab’s house after the ceremony that Rasulullah cannot go inside to meet her, Rasulullah went into Aishah house and she asked “How is the Prophet’s family doing?” meaning to ask about Zainab and Rasulullah told her she was fine. This event had caused the revelation of a verse that forbid talking at length in Rasulullah house but you should come in when invited, eat and leave.
On the other hand, when Saidina Ali was offered to marry Zainab binti Abu Jahal, Fatimah complained to Rasulullah that she cannot accept it. It was not because she was jealous but because she cannot accept that Rasulullah be put at par with the head of musyrikin who was fightinmg strongly against Rasulullah. Had Ali took Zainab as his wife, both Rasulullah and Abu Jahal will be his fathers in law and logically, the same. Notice that Fatimah reluctant was because of iman, not her own sake.
Often time I got a message nicely rhymed that if we cannot be like Adam and Hawa or Ibrahim and Hajar or Yusuf and Zulaikha or Muhammad and Khadijah, let us at least be like Ali and Fatimah. Though beautiful as is sounds and ideally we want it to happen, we must first start to reflect within ourselves the whole concept and demands of a marriage because Allah make the signs for those who reflects. Once we get the idea, the mate we are searching for will come in anytime into our lives and we want to be prepared to embrace the role as his/her spouse.